Accountability

In the interest of full disclosure and accountability -

As of this morning I weigh 307.8 pounds.  I have been making an effort to eat better for about a week now, and I've probably lost a couple since I started.  Luckily, weight does tend to drop when I set my mind to making it happen.

I am not happy that I weigh 307.8 pounds.  It does nothing but make my life harder.  Even taking out of the equation all of the perfectly lovely clothing in my closet that I can no longer wear, and how embarrassing it is to me to see photos of myself splitting the seams on all my 2x shirts, I have to deal with the practical ramifications of:

1. Low energy - I feel tired all the time, which is likely compounded by
2. Constant pain - my back never stops aching completely, and I have not made it through the night without being woken up by pain in my back in months.
3. Scoliosis - I have developed this condition as my back continues to deteriorate.  Years ago I saw a specialist who advised me to strengthen my core and "get a six-pack."  He said my back was weak and my gut was constantly pulling on it (in the wrong direction).  I don't carry the illusion that losing weight will be a magical cure-all, but it would certainly help!
4. Poor stamina - I can't make it through a story time without huffing and puffing.
5. Depression - underscored and compounded by all of the above

I've struggled with my weight for most of my life.  I've always been a "big boy," although not nearly as big as some.  It's always seemed worse in my head than it really is.  Funny thing is, I can look back on pictures of myself from years ago and think how slim I looked, but even at lower weights I always felt about my appearance exactly as I do now.  I always felt ashamed of how I was "letting myself go."

What it takes to reverse this is a fundamental shift in lifestyle and in the way I approach food.  My usual m.o. when eating is to eat like it's the last meal I will ever have.  I never set out consciously to take this course - it has just sorta always been the case.  Convincing myself that it's okay to not eat an entire pizza because, hey, I can always go out tomorrow and have pizza again, seems easy on paper but in practice...not so much.

So I am making this shift.  And for accountability, I document it here.  The last time I made a serious and concerted effort to lose weight I dropped from around 312 to 244.  I would have liked, and would still like, to aim for 220.  Joanna thinks that is too much to lose.  But that is still 20 pounds more than even the most liberal medical statistics show I should be.  I will weigh myself every Monday and keep track.  My (basically dormant) membership to the Berryville Community Center is coming up for renewal.  I can work in exercise.

But for now I will focus on eating.  A coworker said, "Hey, I keep telling myself it's so easy - it's just NOT doing something.  How easy is that?"  And then we laughed because, well, it's never that easy.  But really, it is.  Here I go down this road.  My mind is there.  The cards are in place.  My strategy involves more portion control rather than denial.  I don't NOT have pizza - I had some the other night made out of english muffins (2 split in half) - I just don't have the ENTIRE pizza.  I don't NOT have french fries - I just don't get the large.  Two things I have cut out are soda and ice cream.  For caffeine, I focus on black coffee (or with skim milk) or unsweetened tea.  For ice cream, well, so far I don't really feel a catastrophic need for it.   

That's it for now.  In seven days, I'll see where I'm at.